i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
