okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
