I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
