New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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