When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
