I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
be right there i have to get my cape
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
