I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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