Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
