Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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