My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize