I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
i love accidental penises.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
