What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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