when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
