Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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