the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
Randomize
