On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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