I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
being pregnant is like rehab
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
