I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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