what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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