If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize