this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
