last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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