Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
