one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
