it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
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