Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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