I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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