You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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