Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
