My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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