2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I wish my penis had an off switch
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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