Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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