The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
