i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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