If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize