Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
