I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
