Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
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