Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
