I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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