Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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