i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize