shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Terrible idea I love it
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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