I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
