I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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