Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
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