i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
