Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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