woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Randomize
