Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
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