Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
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