Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
