I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
