is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
