call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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