i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
