The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
