I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Im part way to drunk.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
