He kissed a someone with a penis
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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