Sponge bath it is.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Randomize
