Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
