: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
