you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
