I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
