Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
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