i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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