I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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