he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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