i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
