I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
